ED = Erectile Dysfunction
ED = A short lived television series
ED = Short for Edward
ED = Eating Disorder

I do not have a penis. So no experience with the first ED. I absolutely enjoyed the television series ED and was sad it had a short run. I didn’t help with its ratings, as I’m a pretty horrible TV watcher. I only recently learned how to binge watch. And for now, it’s my new weekend hobby. I’m totally going strong: Broadchurch, Tiger King and Wild Wild Country the past 3 weekends. Taking suggestions for this upcoming weekend; please comment below. My name is Rebecca Michelle Creed Nimrod, I didn’t name either of my boys after my Great Grandpa Ed, which is my connection with the name short for Edward. But, Eating Disorder, I have a very close relationship with this ED.

I’m going to type and share, not much editing. I’ll reread or skim and hit publish. If I don’t, I may not ever share these words and I’m believing they are important and need to be shared. Today I sent an email to a friend and in that email I told them how words have been my savior. From the Scriptures to published to handwritten, or private, words, they save me. These words shared are helping to save me.

Inhale, pause, exhale, pause…here I go.

I am bulimic.

Recovered. Relapsed. Recovered. Currently Struggling.

Last week, Glennon shared THIS* and I re-shared it on my insta story, followed by something about…hell, I’m not sure exactly what I said, but I said I too was struggling. I’ve not relapsed, but daily it is an option. After I shared it, I almost deleted it several times. I almost deleted it for these reasons:

Shame Naturally, shame because who wants to admit their weak? Who wants others to know they binge and purge? Noone wants to be watched when they have to pee midmeal or answer the question, “You really induce vomiting,” followed by something like this, “I hate it when i vomit. It’s awful.” Yes, many, many times this has happened when I’ve shared this part of my story.
My work I’m a certified holistic health coach, lead retreats, teach yoga and meditation classes, a practitioner of reiki…all the “healthy”. ED is not healthy.
The Problem Solver Text You know the pals who have a solution to all of your challenges. The ones who believe they know what is best for you, how you need to handle it, overcome it and add in the “praying for you” at the end of their solution. I’m not being an asshole and I appreciate the prayers, but sometimes you don’t need someone’s advice. Especially someone who doesn’t know the struggle, as you do not know theirs.
Sharing part of my story with people who are not worthy. I do not believe all parts of my story are for all people. There are parts of my story and yours who others do not deserve to know or hear. Why? Because people can use it and abuse it or truly don’t give a shit. YOUR story is NOT for everyone. And this is absolutely ok. It’s more than ok, it’s safe. It’s boundaries.
My family…I want(ed) to protect my family.

Why I didn’t delete:

My boys I want them to know the struggle. I want them to know their mum presses in, does the work and changes her world. She breaks the patterns of the past and moves forward believing in freedom. Even if it’s over and over again.
Bella and __________ <— those who messaged me who are also struggling.
I’m 44 and it’s present. It’s not something in my past I can forget. I have weeks and months where it’s not in the forefront or much of a struggle, but there are times, like now where it’s 50% of my thought pattern.
It’s time. It is time.

I vividly remember sitting on a bouncy gym floor at summer camp in listening to a thin, beautiful, twenty something share about her freedom in Jesus from an eating disorder. I was prepubescent, athletic, thin and ate like a teenage boy. It peaked my curiosity. What was this anorexia and bulimia; unaware and now curious. It didn’t seem good, but it was ok, because Jesus saved her and now she was fine. Repeat every summer until I was 17. The story a little different, but what remained the same: 20 something, thin, beautiful, saved by Jesus.

A tween now and I watched the television, as the character hid her jars of vomit in her room. Thin and beautiful, accepted and wanted, the star of a movie. Saved by a therapist.

Walking down the hallway at school. Tall and thin, wearing navy leggins and an oversized V-neck sweater from The Limited and an older boy whistled, as I walked down the hall. Noticed.

Gym class. Grey shorts and a navy blue t-shirt. Butterfly stretch. A dimple in my thigh. Fifteen. Still very thin. Also: Smart. Creative. Christian. Volunteer. Pretty. Leader. Friend to all. Kind. Servant. Pleaser.

Twenty-five and pregnant with my first child. Horrible morning sickness. Daily vomiting that did not disappear until week 34ish, then reappeared around week 38. This vomiting was ok.

There are other details which I am choosing not to share. (Revisit bullet point number 4 of why I almost deleted.) The bulk and history isn’t what is important in the moment. What is important is the ferocious resurfacing I am and others are facing. Not only are we learning a new way of living, many are faced with old patterns which are trying to make their way into this new way. What do we do to keep the past the past, not allowing it into the present?

I’ve sat with it for a week. I’ve asked myself hard & easy questions. Some I’ve answered and others I’ve not. I have journaled. I’ve meditated and prayed. I’ve cried. And cried more. I rode my bike and spent time on my mat. I slept. I’ve kept my nose in book after book. I sat with it and accepted it was back. The most important thing I’ve done was this: I talked with 3 people I trust. They listened and did not offer solutions. They loved me and accepted me in the midst of the struggle. They said they loved me and were sorry and would be there to listen again when I needed. They gave me the freedom and the space I needed and the ability to try to figure out why the anxiety and bulimic thought patterns were more present now, than in all my years of recovery.

Since being home for nearly a month my inbox has been flooded with “offers” and my insta feed is full of memes about the COVID15 and QuarantineDiets to avoid weight gain. This celebrity trainer has a way to keep the pounds off and that supplement company does too. TRY IT NOW FOR FREE! How in the heck did they ALL get my email address? I was asked to join this fitness challenge and try a class with this celebrity trainer. Meanwhile, this recipe and that recipe and ohmigod, these cookies and that cake are a must try & gluten free. Oh and I can’t leave out the how to publish your book and song and gain a million followers in just 2 weeks. Now you have the time…you CAN do it all.

I call BS! I can’t. I can’t so it all, because I’m too busy in my head.

Now that I called bullshit and I’ve shared a small part of my story and my current struggle, I want to sit with others who are struggling too. I am not willing to hide this part of me or be afraid it will negatively impact my career and future. I will remain open to myself, open to you, love and acceptance. This living of life is a gift, even when it’s painful and hard and icky. This pain and challenge has called me soulward, in the direction of the healer within. It is also calling me to that which is the the healer with-out, the one on the outside, the one within you. Anyone want to share? Are you open to join hands, sit, accept, holding on together. We can make it! Comment and let me know what you are thinking and how we can do this.

PS I’ll be partnering with a local Woman Owned business to raise funds for mental health, bringing specific awareness to ED. Hint: Podium & a bike.

*Please click and watch. It’s 12 minutes, but may help with a bit of understanding if you love, care about or know a person with an ED and don not understand, but want to try. When she shared about her conversation with her wife and how 50% of her thoughts during the day are about food/body/eat/don’t eat/exercise…I wept. Mine too, G, mine too.